


a vegetarian is not a cannibal

by quietlyintoemptyspaces



Category: Star Trek
Genre: "meat", Confusion, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Lunch, M/M, Vegetarians & Vegans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 00:18:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1100240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietlyintoemptyspaces/pseuds/quietlyintoemptyspaces
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones was flabbergasted. “You mean to tell me that all this time that I’ve known you, you’ve been a vegetarian?”</p><p>Jim nodded, chewing.</p><p>“Funny how it never stopped you from eating meat.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	a vegetarian is not a cannibal

**Author's Note:**

> A universal question.
> 
> A friend of mine made a joke like this when I stopped eating meat. Five years later, it's still being made.
> 
> Another question: is semen vegan?
> 
> I haven't answered that one yet, and I'm not sure I plan to anytime soon. To each there own.

It was… fascinating, to say the least. 

The Captain frowned at the plate Bones had brought him. It was salad, mostly. But it had chicken on it, and little bacon bits, a few strips of turkey. Spock watched across the table as Jim pushed the meat onto a spare plate and slid it over to Bones, who looked up, seeming puzzled.

“What’re you doing, Jim?”

There were a few pieces of bacon left, and Jim was trying to hunt them down, flicked them onto Bones’ plate when he found them.

“Jim?” Bones prompted again, looking worried now. He even had his tricorder out, scanning the Captain. Spock watched in mild curiosity as Jim shoved it away.

“It’s meat, Bones,” Jim said, like it explained everything.

The doctor’s eyes rose high. “You’ve never complained before.”

“That’s because you’ve never gotten me meat before.”

Bones scoffed. “Sure I have, that one time with… really? Never?”

Jim shook his head, looking over his salad once more before taking a stab at it. There was a new dressing, one that he seemed to savor. Spock watched his neck, completely fascinated. 

Bones was flabbergasted. “You mean to tell me that all this time that I’ve known you, you’ve been a vegetarian?”

Jim nodded, chewing.

“Funny how it never stopped you from eating meat.”

Jim didn’t look concerned, but Spock’s eyebrow furrowed in confusion. “That meat has nothing to do with being a vegetarian, Bones, as you should well know.”

“I do not understand,” Spock said, tilting his head as he glanced at the Captain. “You are a vegetarian, and yet you eat meat.”

Jim sighed. “It’s not the same meat, Spock. It’s completely different.”

“It is still meat, Captain. Being a vegetarian indicates that you do not eat meat. You are, therefore, not a true vegetarian.”

Bones laughed, slapped Jim on the back. “He’s got you there, Jim.”

“Shut up,” was said with a sharp elbow to Bones’ side. “Spock, I don’t actually eat it. It’s more like I… savor?”

Spock almost frowned. “That is illogical, Captain. Why would you savor if you did not intend to eat it?” Jim sighed and almost smacked himself, but Spock continued before he could. “Humans most often exhibit the eating patterns of omnivores, though vegetarianism is becoming more widespread. It would not offend me if you called yourself an omnivore, sir.”

“I’m a vegetarian, Spock,” Jim stated firmly. “I don’t ingest meat.”

“Then you retract your earlier statement?”

Bones laughed again. “No, he definitely doesn’t.”

“Then you are not a vegetarian, Captain.”

Wordlessly, after glancing around the break room, Jim slipped under the table. Bones cursed as he saw Spock’s eyes widen, his back stiffening. He couldn’t hear Jim under the table, but he bet Spock could. And then Spock’s body twitched, his mouth omitting a small gasp as Jim climbed back into his seat, wiping off his mouth.

“Still disagree?” Jim was smug about it now.

“Indeed. What meat is it that you eat but do not ingest, Captain?”

“Your meat, Spock.”

At about that time, Bones spit out the coffee he had been trying to drink. Spock raised his eyebrow.

“You eat my meat, Captain? If so, then this implies you are cannibalistic, rather than a vegetarian.”

“No—no, Spock, that’s not what I meant—”

Bones stood abruptly, rolling his eyes. “Jesus Jim! Just tell him you want to suck him off!”

Jim flushed red, his mouth open. Had is CMO really just said that?

“I believe he did, doctor.” 

Oh, he was so going to hell. 

“When he ‘ate my meat’.”

A very special level of hell.


End file.
